2016 was the year I finally made the decision to try medication for my mental illness. I’d been in therapy for a full year and it had helped tremendously, but I was still lacking the serotonin needed to make any real progress. I did a ton of research, asked as many professionals for their input as possible, and cried a lot.
The whole process was very overwhelming for me due to one question. What does this decision say about me?
Self-worth was always something I thought I had, but it wasn’t until this past year that my loved ones brought something to my attention. “If you knew your worth you wouldn’t do this, associate with him, put yourself through that…” A long list of crimes against myself was unfurled and I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
This is not the original post I had planned for today, but after experiencing a rather crippling depressive episode, I decided to write this instead. Because somewhere out there someone is tucked away in a dark room under their blankets, scared to open their eyes and face the demons awaiting them. Someone is afraid to die, but much more afraid to live. Someone needs to hear this and know they’re not alone. They need someone to tell them the baby steps to recovery because it’s hard to think for yourself when your mind is working against you.
I recently left what I was once so proud to call my “big girl job” in order to pursue my dreams. My only regret in this is that I put my departure off for much longer than I should have, causing myself incredible amounts of unnecessary grief.
Have you ever driven somewhere only to think back on the drive over and realize you don’t know how the heck you got there? You know you were just driving, but you don’t remember any details of the trip. Everything is just a blur. Typically we refer to this as “going on autopilot” and as dangerous as it is to do when we drive, can you imagine looking back on your life and realizing you lived the whole thing in that same way?
About a month ago a lovely young girl sent me an Instagram message with an important question: “How do I gain self confidence?”
First of all, I was honored she felt she could ask me this. Secondly, I had no idea how to respond. It took me YEARS of trial and error trying to figure that out for myself and the last thing I wanted to do was tell her some generic, “tell yourself you’re beautiful,” advice. She can find that just about anywhere on the internet.
No, my answer had to be different. It had to actually be helpful. So I dug up my old journals, did a lot of soul searching and compiled a list of things that legitimately helped me gain confidence. I hope they work for you, too.
Dedicated to Madeline, Anthony and Savannah for being incredible friends in the good times and the bad. For loving me when I’m at my best and loving me just the same at my worst, but never letting me stay that way. I love you.
“Small changes can yield big results if we just take the time and give the effort to make positive changes in the first place. Life does not change for the better on it’s own and it is up to us to go after the change we desire.”