This is the most vulnerable post I’ve ever written. It’s a side of myself I never intended for the whole world to see. A side of myself I thought I could conquer in silence while continuing to put on a happy face for the public, but that just isn’t the case. I’m coming clean so I can GET clean. So I can stop drowning my sorrows and anxieties in whiskey and start being the woman I want to be.
2016 was the year I finally made the decision to try medication for my mental illness. I’d been in therapy for a full year and it had helped tremendously, but I was still lacking the serotonin needed to make any real progress. I did a ton of research, asked as many professionals for their input as possible, and cried a lot.
The whole process was very overwhelming for me due to one question. What does this decision say about me?
Self-worth was always something I thought I had, but it wasn’t until this past year that my loved ones brought something to my attention. “If you knew your worth you wouldn’t do this, associate with him, put yourself through that…” A long list of crimes against myself was unfurled and I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
This is not the original post I had planned for today, but after experiencing a rather crippling depressive episode, I decided to write this instead. Because somewhere out there someone is tucked away in a dark room under their blankets, scared to open their eyes and face the demons awaiting them. Someone is afraid to die, but much more afraid to live. Someone needs to hear this and know they’re not alone. They need someone to tell them the baby steps to recovery because it’s hard to think for yourself when your mind is working against you.
I recently left what I was once so proud to call my “big girl job” in order to pursue my dreams. My only regret in this is that I put my departure off for much longer than I should have, causing myself incredible amounts of unnecessary grief.
“Cutting toxic people out of your life is not a sign of selfishness. It’s a sign of self-respect.”
Have you ever driven somewhere only to think back on the drive over and realize you don’t know how the heck you got there? You know you were just driving, but you don’t remember any details of the trip. Everything is just a blur. Typically we refer to this as “going on autopilot” and as dangerous as it is to do when we drive, can you imagine looking back on your life and realizing you lived the whole thing in that same way?